an explanation

Every day becomes more desolate, an infection.

I am still mobile, but without direction.

It is a tragedy that I use my body for destructive purposes rather than positive strides.

But there is a force greater than me that is hindering a beautiful ride.

A constant sick feeling with zero glimmers of hope.

When does it end? How can it even begin?

The only way to feel normal must include serotonin boosters.

But what if I refuse...what might happen then?

It is not just a dark corner, cloud, or space.

It is a dark life, I am without a place.

Even during the day, bright light is rare.

So I light it up at night, this is beyond repair.

fall

Dull pain flies through my bones at an unimaginable speed.

Both of my eyes burn from the tears welling up behind them.

They don't fall.

There is no one on Earth who could make me feel alive more than you.

And I can't stand the thought of being in another human's vicinity. 

I fall.

There are no feelings, no emotions, just fleeting zaps of perception, of what once was relevant in my existence.

But the relevance was merely a pipe dream. What was significant then, is no longer now. There is no one left, but me.

My body is not capable of truly loving another space, another object, another human; because my body does not love itself.

Meaningful contact between this body and the universe does not exist.

I used to think I loved too much, that if love was a liquid it would be pumping my heart. 

But what I found was that I needed too much. The fear of being alone paralyzed my soul, if there even is one inside.

I used to be so naturally sweet, so genuinely kind, and so beautifully pure. All that is left now is a tainted, fatigued frame who's moves are robotic and counterfeit. It's fraudulent, it's Fall.

welcome to the waldorf

I knew from an early age that I was...offbeat. That my family was this strange portrait of farce love story. It could have been the honest answers my Mother gave me...

Age 6:
"Mom, are you and Dad going to get divorced?"

"Not yet, honey."

What comic relief. If I didn't know any better, I would think that my parents had an arranged marriage backed by a lavish dowry. Or did they...

In any case, I enjoyed a most privileged childhood with lots of friends, an unhealthy amount of toys, and stretch limos. Yes, I said stretch limos, and yes, I lived in middle American suburbia. Not the Waldorf Astoria (as my mother always used to say).

I'm not saying I have problems that no one else has; I've been cheated on, lied to, left for dead. (Kidding about that last part, but if you've ever dated someone who does heroin, you know what I'm talking about) But the actions I've chosen to take afterward, are what baffle me. 

My life up until now has been somewhat of a double negative. But hey, who's complaining?

Oh yeah, I am.